1/7 Beelzebub (Amakuni) NSFW

Friends, life is often filled with disappointments. Many days, I find myself underwhelmed, or disappointed, or ambivalent about a highly anticipated figure. An amazing prototype comes out, but the paint job fails to deliver. I pre-order a figure just to realize I am no longer interested when the release date comes by. Or something like that.

Which is why I was so pleased when a figure actually surpasses my expectations. Figures like Beelzebub.

1/7 Cerberus (Max Factory)

Continuing our reviews of figures that have appeared in my Year End Review trend...

Cerberus was one of my superficial buys. When I ordered her, I knew nothing of her character except that she looked cute, had an attractive outfit, and was manufactured by Max Factory, both of which were apparently enough to warrant a buy.

1/7 Margit Suzuki (Native) NSFW

Another day, another review. This time, we're headed to the classroom, where a naughty, half-German professor who definitely looks old enough to teach chemistry (wink wink) once again takes off her panties for the sake of science. Because, "If you're going to do science, it had better be German" (Native, 2013). Yes'sir, it's just another beautiful, typical day in Japanland.

Yup.

1/7 Sonico Santa swimsuit ver. (Alter)

Finally, it's appropriate to review Santa swimsuit Sonico (stranger sentences are possible, but rare). See, I've had this Sonico kicking around since Alter decided to release her in May, but never bothered to take pictures of her, because a Santa hood would look too darn silly against a lush, green lawn.

When Alter announced they were finally jumping on the Sonico bandwagon, I did an unsuccessful backflip. Sonico and Alter? Talk about blowing my mind.

1/7 Miku Hatsune ver. Type 2020 (Max Factory)

Seventh Dragon 2020 Miku is a prime example of an obligatory buy. With Max Factory's Samurai and Hacker already under my belt, was there any viable doubt I would add Idol Miku to the mix? None. Blame my rampant collector's mentality.

So, did collector's mentality result in a good purchase? Maybe. Maybe not. I speaketh no spoilers. Not in this preview, anyway. You'll just have to read on.

1/7 Menma swimsuit ver. (Max Factory)

I'm not sure why it took me so long to pick up Max Factory's swimsuit Menma. I've been a fan of her unique look since the very beginning, but even when her resale price dropped to 3000 yen, I waited. What was I trying to prove? That I'm patient or something? How illogical.

So, after a year of staring at photos of her on the Internet (like an apex creeper), I finally threw up my arms and ordered her. Instantly, a thousand weights lifted from my shoulders. Hallelujah!

1/8 Aladdin - G.E.M. Series (Megahouse)NSFW

As a character, I found Aladdin really intriguing. On the surface he seems like a typical 'shounen-style' hero what with his sense of compassion and his being really hungry all the time. He's also a being sent to the world by a higher power to restore peace and unite the world. I assumed that he would act in a manner befitting such a protagonist. He would be the cool, righteous voice to the morally ambiguous deuteragonist, Ali Baba. Imagine my delight when I found out that wasn't the case at all. 

Wonfes Winter 2014

The following the a true to life reaction of Poke the Merch upon seeing Winter Wonder Festival 2014: "My god, it's ALL Kan Colle!"

We're not kidding. We might even be a bit traumatized. Sure, there were other figures here and there, but it was mostly Kan Colle. How one series became so dominate in terms of representation is a mystery to us. We suspect conspiracy (or overwhelming firepower). So we ducked our heads, peeled our eyes, and sought out the few figures brave enough to stand among the crush of personified war machines.

1/7 Trunk Girl (Native) NSFW

Wow, has it been a while since I last wrote a review, or what? My sincerest apologies to our readers for taking such a long, unannounced break. If I've learned anything, it's that life has a way of interrupting at the most inconvenient times!

That being said, I have a lot of figures to catch up on. Today we'll be looking a tone of Native's naked and creative ladies. She's lithe. She's twisty. She's Trunk Girl! Read on, O readers!

1/7 Miku Hatsune (Max Factory)

Does this count as a retro-review? 2009 was, oh god, four entire years ago. Time, come back! I'm not done with you yet!

Granted, I didn't get my hands on this figure until recently, so retro or not, she's still "new" to me. Since I obtained Max Factory's beautiful Luka figure, I've been scouring the Miku-scape for a perfect match. Sure, I already have GSC's Miku Lat and Racing Miku 2011, but neither look great beside Luka. So I did what I do best, and began a systematic hunt for a partner.

Wonfes Summer 2013! (some NSFW content)

Summer Wonfes has come and gone, bringing with it a veritable orgy of plastic goodness to tease and tickle the senses—and what a numinous orgy it was! Here at Poke the Merch, we are solemnly consulting physicians to discover which organs we can safely pawn in exchange for figure funds. After all, we have our priorities straight.

So, given the better-than-expected showing this Wonfes, what did we find especializing tantalizing?

1/8 Princess of the Crystal (GSC)

"Let's initiate the survival strategy!"—Princess of the Crystal

Once in a while, I pick up a figure that doesn't have guns a-blazin', booty a-bouncin', or bases a-stounding. Once in a while, I pick up figures because I like the character (shocking, I know). Princess of the Crystal had a slew of  memorable moments in Mawaru Penguin Drum. She's flamboyant, blunt, dominating, and able to deliver a deadpan seiron senryaku. She made me laugh, and laughter is a surefire way to my heart.

1/8 Leviathan (Amakuni) NSFW

Did I not tell you I was as shallow as a hastily assembled grave? Half the figures I have are of characters I have no knowledge about, and Leviathan is yet another notch on my stick. According to my research, the Seven Deadly Sins aren't anything. Not a show. Not a manga. Not a game. Not yet anyway. An anime production is in the works, but so far, only two episodes have been confirmed. Nevertheless, figure companies weren't going to let these busty beauties slip through their fingers, not when there was a chance to capitalize.

1/8 Totori Helmold (Phat Company)

Occasionally, there is a figure that appeals to Poke as a whole rather than Poke as a half. Suich has extensive experience with Atelier Totori, but also the common sense not to get sucked into this messy "figure" business. On the other hand, Jenn's is Atelier-ignorant, but bought her figure anyway. That's just how she rolls. 

Given our respective expertise, this only makes sense. This is the only way. You can even call it fate. Time for a joint review.

1/8 Tenshi exclusive ver. (GSC)

Behold! Tenshi descends from heaven to grace the earth with cuteness and charm—

Wait, wait, wait, didn't I already do a Tenshi review? Well, yes I did, and kudos to you for being so clever. But it's common knowledge that everyone could use an extra angel, so the when GSC announced they were releasing an exclusive Tenshi, complete with glorious, sweeping wings, I freaked like balls.

1/8 Alvis E. Hamilton & Lavie Head (Alter)

Has it really been almost a decade since Last Exile aired? Where did all that time go? I'm not sure I remember much from the show except that I marathoned it one weekend and enjoyed it.

When Alter announced their new Alvis and Lavie figures, my frugal senses went wild. Sure, they're tiny, and sure, they're not that fancy, but they're still two figures in one box, and that was enough to warrent a pre-order. Plus it's Range Murata and Alter. Team of champions. READ ON.

1/8 Kamui - G.E.M. Series (MegaHouse)

I suppose some introductions are in order. I’m Ash, a figure collector and good friend of Suich and Jenn’s whom I call ‘Mom’ and ‘Deadbeat mom’ respectively. Like them, I too have an obsession with importing lots of sweet and expensive crap from Japan and so they invited me to do some reviews for the site!

Unlike Deadbeat mom and her harem of moe, PVC goddesses, my humble collection consists primarily of dudes in all their sinewy and strategically placed, bulge-y glory. My mission here on Poke the Merch will be to cover male figure reviews and do my part to increase attention for the tragically neglected, penis-having side of the scaled figure world. Good times. Now, let’s get to the actual review.

1/6 Velvet (Yamato)

Velvet, why hasn't Alter picked you up yet? Is it because your beauty surpasses their imaginations? Or because Mercedes didn't do as well as they expected? Either way, it's a bummer. I, for one, would have preordered her at the speed of light.

Velvet is from the PS2 game, Odin Sphere (you can also find it on PSN for a ridiculously low price). It advertises itself as an RPG, but is really more of a side-scrolling beat 'em up with a satisfying apocalypse story. Oh, and it's tres delicious eyecandy. I doth recommend it most avidly.

1/8 Stocking Anarchy (Alter)

"Seriously, go dry-hump something! I'm too hungry to deal with your shit!" -Stocking

Isn't she lovely? Here comes everyone's favourite sweet-loving, ghost-shaggin', big-breasted, gothic lolita angel sister. Now if you've been following, you'll know I prefer Panty to Stocking, but Stocking is just too damned beautiful to pass up. Besides, they're a pair. One without the other is like Sherlock without Watson, functional, but not nearly as entertaining.

1/8 Miku Hatsune 2001 Racing ver. (GSC)

"Come, comrade, take my hand, and together we will ride the storm!" - Racing Miku 2011

Insert some epic music score by Hans Zimmer and she'll ready for the cameras. Racing Miku was my last true spontaneous pre-order of 2011. I came. I saw. I clicked confirm. No consideration. No joke. Her glossy, futuristic design and smashing twin tails won me over immediately. But was she worth it?